Fathers, This Is What We Need As Daughters
If you've followed me for this journey, you'll know that my childhood included some ups and downs.
My parents both struggled with substance abuse and as a result, the model of my world was shaped around feelings of uncertainty, abandonment, and feeling really unsafe.
Of course I am only focusing on the not so great part for the purpose of teaching here:).
My dad was one of the best people I knew, something that I didn't really realize until he passed. I know that a lot of his demons came from a life of entitlement. He was an only child and was really taught that the world revolved around him, nothing against my Baba, but this is part of why he failed so many times to live the life he thought he deserved. He was raised like many European men in the 40's who were taught that they were so incredible for doing very little (it's true). So they were raised by women who worshipped them and did everything for them and when they were sent out into the world, and the world did not treat them like 'mom' did, all hell broke inside their heads. This was particularly true for my dad. He had no idea what it took to make his life a life only others dreamed of. He was gorgeous and smart and funny...but entitled. And so he struggled, for his whole adult life. It truly breaks my heart...
So how does this relate to our Goddess talks? Here's the thing. When a daughter has a father who does not fully own his power as a man, she gets lost in the shuffle of who she's meant to be.
This is never an intentional act of the father, but it has the same affect nonetheless. When a father isn't showing up as the King for his girl, she learns that maybe SHE needs to show up as the KING...so you see how things can get messed up? So for me, I witness a man who didn't show up for us as the KING, he showed up as a wounded feminine. I watched my mother control a lot of our lives, through her own demons and manipulations, but she did control a large part of our lives. So I took on that role as a child and then through to adulthood.
Why Is This Bad?
Well, the result of our dads not knowing about being the King and about masculine energy, is that they too are at a loss on how to make us feel safe, heard, and understood...and this is the recipe for putting a woman or girl in this case, into their masculine. Now, I have said it often that we absolutely need our masculine energy at times, but at our cores, as women, we need to be firmly anchored into our feminine first. And that lesson starts when we are children.
When our fathers don't understand this balance, many things can happen to the women they are raising. Anxiety is probably the biggest one, if they feel they need to be in control because no one else is, they will absolutely feel anxiety in all areas of their lives. If they aren't feeling heard or understood, they are going to feel invisible and lost and can sometimes (most times) look for someone who makes them feel both, even when it means they give up their morals or values ; you've all heard the story before, "Yes he was a jerk, but I felt understood by him, he listened to me". This is real guys and cannot be delegated to some other man, it's your responsibility, period!
So What Are Fathers Supposed To Do?
I have the privilege of parenting with one of the best dads I know. Even during our separation, we always remained on the same page when it came to this topic.
Some of the ways you can start to help your daughter(s) avoid going into their masculine is as follows:
Listen to them. And I mean really listen to them. Let them give you their "Meadow Report", if you haven't read about Meadow Reports, I encourage you to read it now.
Let them feel safe with you. Safety for a girl/woman shows up in physical ways, emotional ways, and even financial ways. Don't talk about your money worries around your daughter, in fact, start to work on your own money mindset and share THAT with her...show her your growth in that area, that will make her feel abundantly safer than, "we don't have enough".
Stop sharing your own adult worries with her. I know parents who do this. There is never a good reason to share what scares you with your children, be real, but don't put those concerns on their shoulders. They are looking to you to feel safe, not scared. They have plenty of time to worry about grown up things later on in life. Teach them how to manage their own worries, but don't lump yours on top of theirs!
Be there for her emotionally. Show up when she cries, when she's mad, when she's scared. One of the best things my father ever did was show up for me when I was scared. He didn't do it often, but when he did, it was magic, I was able to take a deep breath and exhale (this is when you feel your feminine energy - the exhale).
Stick to your guns. When you've made a decisions that you feel solid about, don't let her change your mind. If you've grounded her or given a consequence for behaviour, stick to it. When we are exploring relationships as women, we respect men who are able to stick to a decision (when they have conviction for it), and that will provided safety for us.
Being a dad is a gift. It's that simple. Treat it as such. When you can master some of these practices, you will have a much better chance of raising a Goddess who is secure and who will balance her masculine and feminine energy for life:).